The story of us.

I don't write about many things on my blog. The topics stay the same...my husband, my daughter, and my family back home. Great intro, I know. Incase you are wondering I was never a great writer...shocking I know. On my first ever College paper (In class...might I add...TIMED) I scored not just an F, but an F+. Mom, if you are reading this I'm sure never told you that...so, sorry. School had never been my thing and that in itself is why I became a teacher. I wanted to help students learn. Anyways, enough with the academic talk. 

Today, November 27th, is the day that Bobby Reynolds asked me to be his wife. What a day that was! There is actually a lot too this story, really a lot to our story that some people know all to well. If you haven't heard it before, today is your day. I must warn you though, it is going to be long. 

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived far, far way from Kentucky. She loved all things missions.....okay. Seriously. I use to struggle with my salvation, whether or not I was truly saved. One day God gave me an amazing confirmation that could have only come from him and after that moment something happened in my heart that could only be explained by God. I remember a washing of peace that came over me like a flood as The Lord spoke to me and said, "You are mine. Salvation belongs to me and nothing will ever change my love for you."  Something in my heart said in response, "I want others who have never heard to know this love ." So, I ended up in the Philippines not once, but twice. The second time I went Bobby was there....and so the story goes....

I came early to the Philippines to train for being a team leader. We were there about a week before the teammates came. I remember the day we went to pick up about 52 Nehemiah Team members. I rode with the missionary Jess. We talked about life and the upcoming summer...all the while my husband was waiting for me at the airport. 

We pulled up to the airport and it began to rain...and when I say rain I mean monsoon. We quickly put things on the jeepny (Google it) and got ready to ride back to training. I remember looking at him and thinking....he's cute and then immediately thinking...this is not what I came for. However, little did I know, it wasn't what I came for, but it was one reason God brought me there. 

As we rode back to where we were all staying, I thought of a lot of things...how was I going to lead a team of girls in Manila...how was the orphanage going to be....I love the Philippines...now, who is this boy...

When we got back to our hotel, it was still pouring down rain and being the "leader"  I managed to carry luggage off the jeepny and into the hotel. Later that night the missionaries took us to dinner. The leaders were okay, but the recent team members were a little jet lagged. I remember walking to the place we were going to eat at...I always somehow had a sense of where he was in relation to where I was walking. I sat down at a table and looked up and there was bobby. Now this "look" was different than anything I have ever experienced. I felt something immediately. It was very weird. 

We all talked about where we were from, if we were in college (I was one of the only ones with a job..I was teaching first grade) and if we were dating anyone. I was not in a relationship and neither was Bobby. So the story continues....

After several meetings, we went to camp for team building, bible study and so on. Bobby picked to be on my obstacle course team. Figures. Also, this day my stomach was upset and we had to zip line, walk on a moving log in the air, and jump off a 40 ft pole....all the while Bobby was on my team and I feared of pooping on myself. You will be glad to know that I did not. 

On the last night of orientation we ate ice cream. I sat beside Bobby and I asked him how far South Carolina was from Kentucky. He commented 500 miles.....500 miles. 

We all went our separate ways for the summer. I went to Manila and he went to 

Camotes. We didn't see each other for 2 months. He found me on Facebook and when we got the chance to email we would write back and forth. 

After two months we met back at the same hotel for debrief. Needless to say I was nervous and was unsure of how he felt about me. It was awkward and we didn't speak a lot to each other. We finally ended up hanging out with our friends in a group and got a chance to talk and laugh. I told him that if he didn't want anything from this to tell me. He said he did and wanted to pursue me when we got back go the states. 

It came time for us to all leave. I hated leaving the Philippines. I love the people so much. Maybe one day we will go back or we will adopt a baby from there. (Yeah, bobby?!)

 It ended up that we we were able to choose our seats on the 16 hour plane ride (not including stopping in Hong Kong). Bobby asked if we could sit together and I said, "I don't care" as I shrugged by shoulders. We sat together and you could say we had out first date on the first flight. We watched the sunset and ate airplane food. 

Then came the 16 hour flight. It was sweet getting to sit by him. He reached for my hand and we held hands on the way home. He kissed my forehead and I was so shocked. (Haha) After the plane ride was over I was sad, nervous, and a little confused. I doubted that Bobby even liked me. It was all too good to be true. We said bye and went our separate ways from LAX. 

Bobby called me that day and we talked non stop. He came to see me a week later, kissed me, and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. 

We dated LONG distance year and a half. It was in one word "bittersweet." I think if I asked Bobby to give one word to describe it he would say awful. I'm sure of it.

Some people know the struggle I had. It was a struggle. I had terrible anxiety which led to depression. It didn't add up. I met this great guy but had anxiety. What didn't realize was that I always had anxiety but it never had a name for me. It was just always a part of me. I went to counseling during the time we dated. I loved bobby with everything in me but I was so anxious. I didn't know how to deal with my anxiety. It took a while for me to realize that nothing was "wrong" with me. It was something that had developed over time...a long time. It manifested itself in different situations for me. Anyone could say something to me and I would be stuck on it for days. I couldn't let anything go. My anxiety went untreated and led to depression. I eventually got on medication. It was Gods grace to me in that moment. I sought The Lord and he heard my cry. If you have never experienced intense anxiety it's hard to explain the feeling. It can't be explained. God used so many people in my life to get me through it. I learned so much during that time. I should take that back...it's hard to learn from The Lord in the moment. Looking back I can see how God saw me. He is El Roi, the God who sees. He is God and I am not. He took care of me. I was a woman of God who struggled with anxiety and depression and that's okay. 

Job 2:9-10

9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die."

10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

1 Peter 5:10

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

During this hard time, we use to sing this song in choir and I would tear up every time. 

"Many are they increased that troubled me

Many are they that rise up against me

Many there be which say of my soul

There is no help for him in God

But Thou, oh Lord are a shield for me

My glory and the lifter of my head

Thou, oh Lord are a shield for me

My glory and the lifter of my head

I cried unto the Lord with my voice

And he heard me out of His holy hill

I laid me down and slept and awaked

For the Lord sustained, for he sustained me" 

-Brooklyn Tabernacle choir 

The day before we got engaged was the worst day of my life. I didn't know how i felt about anything. I was afraid. I went to spend the night with my parents. The next day, Bobby showed up to ask me to be his bride. If that isn't Gods mercy then I don't know what is.  A lot has changed since that time in my life. I am by no means in any shape like I was in the past, but I would be prideful if I said I never struggled ever again with anything and we all lived happily ever after. I do struggle from time to time with anxiety but it does not have a hold on my life the way it use to. I continue to be an overcomer with Gods power living in me. Medicine, counseling, friends are good but God has been better. He is the reason for all things. 

God gave me bobby. He gave him to me as a gift. Bobby tenderly cared for me in my darkest hours. When we got married we danced to a song by Dave Barnes...it goes like this....

Darling, we're both scared

But where love is, fear won't tread

All of these friends here agree

We're right where we should be

Underneath all you're white

My Lady, My Love, My Bride

In your darkest hours

Will I love you still?

I have and I always will

I guess it's because I just do

Following heaven's clues

This is a big mystery

How I found you found me

Underneath all you're white

My Lady, My Love, My Bride

In your darkest hours

Will I love you still?

I have and I always will

And you are changing now

Your part of me somehow

And I will never be alone

In your darkest hours

Will I love you still?

I have and I always will

I have and I always will

Bobby,

Thank you for asking me to be your bride. Thank you for pursuing me and loving me. I have and I always will love you. I'm so quick to forget our love story just like I forget the gospel from day to day. I love you so much. You are my love. 

Love,

Mae

good for the heart.

Have you ever heard anyone say, "that was good for my heart?" Well, I feel that way about a lot of different things...like when I see my college roommates or when I get to spend time with my mama, or when I get to eat a Skin's hot dog. If you are from Belton or Anderson, SC then you know exactly what I am referring to and why that would be good for anyone's heart.

So...in my ADD adventure of attempting to clean the house I stopped at my computer (which is on the way to the bathroom that I need to finish cleaning) I thought "I'll buy Naomi some fun songs to listen to in the car." So first, I bought Phillip Phillips song "Home" (for me) and then I attempted to buy kids worship songs that would be pleasant for both her and I to listen to in the car or at home...which leads me to the purpose of the blog...my mind went to different memories of Summer Children's Camp at Second Baptist Church, Vacation Bible School songs, Back Yard Bible Club, and Miss Lou's day care. It's funny how different things trigger memories in people. 

I want Naomi to LOVE music and LOVE to sing the way her mama does so I also bought a few songs from the Sound of Music. That movie brings back so many good memories for me. I remember watching it at my Great-Grandmother's house (Nanny Bobo) when I was a child. We would watch that movie and My Fair Lady over and over. I wanted to be a great singer like everyone in all of the movies. She would make me and egg sandwich and we would watch the movies together. I am fortunate that I was able to grow up knowing my great-grandmother. She was around for most of my life. I can hear her say my name now, "May-gon" is how she pronounced my name. Her voice was sweet and southern. She had a way about her that made me want to stay there. I love when I get to go home to SC to visit. I love driving around and sometimes I drive past her old house....and think "just seeing her house warms my heart."

It's different when you live in a different state than the one you grew up in. I think I almost took for granted the small things. Life is a lot slower in Belton and that was a good thing. I miss the 4 red lights, the school that I went to and taught had the privilege of teaching at, my old church, Pea Creek Road, the drive home, the simplicity of my mama's house, precious time with my grandmother, football games, church choir, I could go on and on...it's just good for my heart to be there. 

photo taken by: herdintheupstate

http://www.panoramio.com/photo/62905747

Today.

Today is Naomi's first birthday. So many emotions came in, reminding me of the past year and of the nine months I carried her in my belly. I think I have experienced almost every emotion in this short year of her life. Panic...we're pregnant! Joy...We're pregnant! Fear...This baby is coming out of me? Relief...Get this baby out of me! Joy...look at this beautiful baby we made. Sadness...when my mom left us after a few weeks of staying with us when we came home from the hospital. How would I do this without her? Confusion...I don't know why she is crying. Worry...why is her temperature so high? Peace...she's asleep! Peace...holding her, right here, right now is exactly where I need to be. Longing...waiting to come home to her. Peace...when I see her, part of me is complete again. Those are just a few of the feelings I have experienced with my beautiful baby girl.

 I never knew I could love someone with such a deep of a love as this. The kind of love that you would sacrifice anything for. The kind of love that let's someone throw up on you. The kind of love that doesn't care to get woken up in the middle of the night. The kind of love that feels distant when you are not together. Now I know how my mom feels.

 When I was pregnant, I couldn't imagine what life would be like with a baby. Well, do you blame me? I've never had a baby before. I worried a lot about different things. But through everything, God has provided for me. Just like He always has. I didn't cry today. I thought I might after realizing like the baby Dreft commercial says, "You only have a baby for a year." Thanks Dreft, way to make all moms feel great. Instead of tears of joy or just missing the year that we have had, I was filled with joy. I have loved every minute of this baby girl and I wouldn't trade any moment for anything. She is not only my daughter, but she has become my best friend. Yes, I said best friend. I know she is only one, but we have fun together...like best friends do. Okay, now I am crying.

 My thoughts on writing this was to write her a letter. But then I remembered she couldn't read. So one day I will read this to her and hope she understands how her mommy feels. But, she will probably say, "moooom" and write her little girl a letter like this one day and say..mom, now I understand.

 Naomi,
 I always new I wanted to be a mama. I mean what girl doesn't? Who doesn't play with baby dolls? I know you don't care about baby dolls unless you can put the baby doll in your mouth, but one day you will love them. You will want to dress them up, push them around in a stroller, feed them, change their fake poop, put them to bed, drop them off at the baby sitter, kiss them, and put them to bed. Having you as a baby is like having a real live baby doll.

 I have loved you from the moment you were in my belly. Was I nervous? Yes, about many things. Was Dad nervous, yes. Were my grandparents nervous, yes. I'm sure when you have a baby one day I will be nervous too. Time healed being nervous and slowly turned into love. I thought I loved you when you were in my belly, but when I saw you...you were MY baby. Not like a baby doll that I use to play with, but a real live baby. We bonded in the hospital when I nursed you and I loved every moment of being able to nurse you. It was something that I could give you, something that you really needed me for.

 I remember one night waking up at 3:00am and hearing your grunt. You didn't really cry. You just would always grunt. I got up, picked you up from your rock in play...looked at my ipad, sat down in the rocking chair, set the timer and nursed you. In that moment something hit me out of know where. It was then I knew I loved you like I never knew I could. I felt so connected to you and loved your tiny hands and little lips.

 Time went on and you began to do different things. I remember when you finally made eye contact with me. It was incredible. I remember the first time I made you laugh...I though..she really does like me! I remember lots of things and they really have all happened so fast.

When I would tell people your name, most everyone would pronounce it wrong, but that's okay. I named you after a woman in the Bible, Naomi. I named you after her because of her great faith in Her God, our God. It has always been my prayer for you that you would have an unwaivering faith. That you would know Jesus Christ and LIVE for him. That you wouldn't just "know about him" but that His love would consume you and that you would never doubt His love for you...that through everything your Faith in Christ through His life, death, burial, and resurrection, would shine for all to see. I love you Naomi. Happy Birthday!
                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                           Mama

7 hours.

so as I was rearranging things in my house, aka: avoiding cleaning, I came across our wedding photos. I couldn't help but to feel completely thankful as I remembered this day that the Lord truly made for bobby and myself. Sometimes, before we were married, I felt like this day would never come. We were long distance the ENTIRE time we dated- 7 hours and sometimes, depending on traffic, more. I can remember sitting my car as I was stuck in traffic for over two hours, crying...because I knew I had found the one my heart longed for. I knew that I loved him. I knew that were were going to get married, but sometimes being long distance got the best of me. Our time apart was truly the best of times and the worst of times. I know that God wanted us to be together and that it was His perfect will for us to be together because of His grace and mercy towards us. God allowed us to meet each other and He knew exactly what He was doing when He let me meet Bobby in the Philippines and then make up be apart for a year and a half. So much happened in that time personally, spiritually, and physically. But when I look back at that time, I can see God and His hand. His hand and he guided my choices and decisions to move and just to receive grace for the trial of being apart from Bobby. I remember specifically wondering "When will I 'just know?' like so many people say. I remember our pastor, Brian Curtis saying in one of his sermons that "Life was just better with Julie. That when he was apart from her, something was missing." I feel like that is when God allowed me to see the simplicity of love. I knew that I was going to marry him. I knew that I wanted to marry him. I knew that if we were going to get married, then I had to trust God completely. We got engaged a year after I heard that sermon. Waiting on God isn't easy, but we all know it's what we should do. Be still and know that He is God. Not us. When Bobby proposed it was so surreal. This was something I had wanted forever and the day couldn't have been better. He surprised me in SC and I was floored. I had a really bad day before he came and the timing was ironically perfect. The funny thing about it all, as I write this, I am reminded once more that God took such good care of me when we were apart and He knew before the foundation of the world that I was going to marry Bobby and that He was going to propose to me on that day. The day after one of the worst days of my life. God truly is so good to give me Bobby. He is such a tender, compassionate, and loving husband. One that I see Christ in. As we live our lives together, I can see the gospel more than I have before. He is a sinner and so am I. I think that we are both challenged to extend the love and grace that was given so freely to us on the Cross. We can now love because Jesus Christ first loved us. Praise God for such a wonderful gift. Even though I just rambled forever, my point was that God is good and these pictures remind me of this love and goodness towards me. Thank you, Lord for the gift of my husband, Bobby.

LIVE.

we spend our lives wanting to be different. wanting to be like someone else. wanting something more. if i only had what she had my life would be better. if i only reacted to situations like she did or he did i would be different. sometimes we don't even know that we are doing it. it just ends up being a part of what we do. and in all those moments which end up making most of our life, we miss the fact that we are meant to be who we were created to be. nothing more, not like someone else. the people that we want to be like or try so desperately to please end up letting us down and then we finally realize that they are just like us. everyone in all creation, just like me in one specific way. i am a sinner. and so are you. and so is the person that you look up to. what is so wrong about looking at someone else and wishing to be in the that specific moment that they are in, or to just have the same outlook on life is wrong, it's a sin. the only person that we/i should be looking to is Jesus Christ. the one who lived a perfect life, the life that i couldn't live! hey, that's great news! He came to earth, HE WAS MORE THAN JUST A MAN, HE WAS FULLY GOD IN THE FLESH. because he lived a perfectly sinless life, he was able to die on the cross and take ALL the punishment for MY SIN. he was took that sin of me idolizing others. the sin of me looking at someone the wrong way. the sin of me making over more of myself than i should. i could go on and on. Man, i'm pretty sinful and that's only a few days/hours of sins. why would God love me? why would He care if I perish in Hell? because he LOVES ME. He KNOWS that i am a SINNER and uncapable of loving him with my life the way that I SHOULD. that's why HE sent his ONE AND ONLY SON, JESUS CHRIST to the earth, so that we could be MADE RIGHT with Him, GOD. made right with God? really? but you don't know what i have done. doesn't matter. The Bible says that we have ALL SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. No sin is greater than another. Me wanting to be like someone else is just the same as the biggest "sin" you can think of. What's so neat about God is that he KNEW i was going to SIN and he loved me, he still came to DIE FOR ME AND FOR YOU, so that we could LIVE! TRULY LIVE! LIVE IN FREEDOM FROM SIN! ALL BECAUSE OF JESUS'S LIFE (perfect sinless life) DEATH (took ALL MY SIN) on the cross, and RESRRECTION (HE IS THE VICTORY OVER DEATH AND SIN). All because of this, I can have life in Him. I can know that Christ is my Savior. Do you? Do you know that you are a sinner? Do you know that your very sin put God's one and only sin to death on the cross? I can't help but think, since Jesus was fully human and fully God, he did agonize over this. for hours. think about it not only was he about to die. but he was about to be crucified, have a CRIMINALS death, on the cross for YOU. and not only that, think about how you feel when you sin. how awful it feels to know you've done something wrong (conviction). Jesus felt this for EVERYONE. EVERYONE. Does this move you? Christ died for you. and SALVATION alone belongs to OUR GOD. He can save you and free you from your sin. He wants to do this for you, because HE LOVES YOU so much. God can't look on sin, so that's what Jesus is for. Jesus broke the wall that was between you and God. Now, we can freely come to Him. He wants you to come near to him. James 4:8 says, "come near to God and he will come near to you." Come to Christ just as you are. Recognize that you are indeed sinful. we were born into sin. BUT with Christ, we can be free from SIN and experience God's grace (his favor, his love, things we don't deserve). Accept this free gift of Salvation, but know that it came with your Saviors death on a cross. Jesus says that He is the Way the Truth and the Life and that no one comes to the Father EXCEPT through Him. We can't earn salvation, I can't do enough good things to "get right" with God. If I tried to do that, then Christ's life, death, and resurrection wasn't enough. and it IS. Salvation is a free gift. It can be yours today. Praise God, He CHOSE me to be his Child. Come to him. Tell him what you've done against Him. Accept Jesus Christ as the only way of Salvation. He will be your SAVIOR. and LIVE.

sweet-tarts.

valentines day. my favorite day of the year. really. it's just fun, especially when you teach first grade. i have always loved the energy of my students on valentines day. they are so excited...almost to, well to the point of exhaustion.
something though...i learned tonight on this special valentines day. i have the most amazing husband any one could ask for. he loves and cares for me like really no one has before. he has taught me so many things, so so many things about life, trust, and what love really means. love isn't wrapped in a hear box or smelt in a million roses. love is what never fails. even when tough times come. love never fails, you. even when you say or do something stupid. love built on Christ, stands. love when it is unconditional shows me so much. bobby shows this to me a lot. a whole lot. and it really makes me see the way Christ loves me. it makes me think of Christ when i fail or mess up. how he keeps on pursuing and loving me. love is more than what you give or receive from someone. it's deeper than i will ever know. i'm not sure how love grows, really. but i am thankful that my love for my husband grows and grows daily. more than that, how i can see Christ through it more. how i can see my sins and understand that yes, though they are many...they are forgiven by a love that is deep and surpasses my understanding. i have only been married for 7 months and yes, i am still learning what it takes to build a marriage. a Godly marriage and not a worldy one. and i am thankful to God for Christ today and that he loved us while we were still sinners in our pit and in our weakness and for a grace that continuously grows. i am thankful today to remember what love really means. things of this world will pass away. but love will last forever. in Christ, love will last forever.

oh. and yes, we did go to whitecastle for valentines day. and it was fun.

miss and mrs.

some things in life change, some change without you knowing them and some change comes with time, while other change is expected. the change that is expected is almost hard sometimes because there are so many things that you anticipate. i anticipated so many things when i was engaged and in Belton. i wondered how my life would turn in out in a big city in bowling green. i knew that marrying bobby wasn't going to be difficult. but i knew that starting over would be in some ways.
i was so comfortable in belton and so use to life in a slow, small town. i was comfortable with the people i worked with and i always new what they thought and believed. my work was a hop, skip, and a jump away. literally. i have walked there before. everyone knew me. i was comfortable in my church. i knew my place there and what was expected of me there. i knew my friends in an out. they knew me in and out, and they STILL do. that's the best part about them. i was comfortable with my family. there were ALWAYS there. a drive away. something has to be said about change. it breaks you apart from things that are familiar. it causes you to trust more even though you feel like doubting. it causes you to start over. change has been good for me. belton will always be my home. it will have my heart as my hometown. there's nothing like being in a small town and knowing everyone. but starting over. that's tricky. it's almost tempting to resent when things happen in your new environment with friends, work, school, whatever. it's tempting to say if i was there....then....but the reality is that change has come. change will always be a part of my life i feel like. i feel like this is only the beginning. making relationships that are more than about you. more than what can i get from this? it forces you to invest in the other person because well, if we're going to be honest, you want them to like you. but then, it suddenly becomes about me again. the relationships i have here are different. i heard someone say, it's weird to hear your name as meagan butler because i only know you as meagan reynolds. so in belton, i am miss butler but here i am mrs reynolds. funny, huh. it's almost like two different lives. some people know me in a way that they have always known, and if we're going to be honest, it's most of who i am. the things that have happened have shaped my life as meagan butler and now ultimately affect my life as meagan reynolds. the bottom line of this whole thing is, well. i don't really know what. but there is one thing that is standing out in my mind. no matter where i am, if i am never around another person i know ever again, i can always rest in the fact that i have a God who IS. who holds my past present and future. who knew all the anticipation i would have in this change and who is now allowing me to see how i can trust Him. why anticipate when God is soverign. because i am a sinner. but greater than that Christ is living to plead for me and i have Christ's Righteousness. Thank you God, for that. Thank you for leading me all the way. For bringing me to where I am now physically, spiritually, mentally, and just this place. this time in my life. this time of exciting change. this time of changing my perspective on relationships and how the gospel is the main point of all my being in everything that i do. change or no change. for molding my friendships in You. for protecting me in all things. for being Bigger than change. for giving me good gifts in change, for bobby mostly. for your grace that you show me daily in all changes in my life as meagan butler and meagan reynolds.